Golf Jokes

A forum dedicated to the great game of golf and the courses in the Chiang Mai province of Thailand

Golf Jokes

Postby Thai » Wed Feb 10, 2010 4:58 pm

Lets show it is not too serious, yeah right :D by adding a few golf jokes.
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Re: Golf Jokes

Postby Thai » Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:00 pm

The alternative rules of golf ;)

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options:
You can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion
that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . . . for a 10.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball,if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use one to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap:
I.e., back-swing = 20 mph,, handicap = 15, downswing = 300 mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands:
how many hands you have and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday, because you always end up having to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are . . . that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs: They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and you need to buy fresh ones each week.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

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One liners!

Postby Thai » Wed Mar 03, 2010 2:15 pm

You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.

Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play football.

The only difference between driving in golf and driving a car is that when you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.

Did you hear about the player who spent so much time in the bunker he got mail addressed to Hitler?

A golfer has one advantage over a fisherman.He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.
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Golf quotes

Postby Thai » Wed Mar 03, 2010 2:17 pm

Drive for show, Putt for dough, Shank for comic relief.

Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.

Real golfers know how to count over five, when they have a bad hole.

Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.

In golf as in life, it's the follow through that makes the difference.

Golf is an easy game... it's just hard to play.

Real golfers don't cry when they line up their fourth putt.

If there is any larceny in man, golf will bring it out.
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Re: Golf Jokes

Postby Thai » Wed Apr 28, 2010 7:35 am

Stand proud you noble swingers of club and losers of balls. A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud.
Almost feels like a hybrid. :lol:
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Golfing terminology

Postby Thai » Fri May 28, 2010 7:02 am

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result

An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it

A Condom - safe but didn't feel very good

An elephant's bum - it's high; and it stinks

A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a great runner

A Kate Moss - thinned it

An IRA shot - hitting a provisional

A Diego Maradonna - nasty little five footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rock Hudson- thought it was straight, but it bent late

A Ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems

A Cuban - needs one more revolution

A Glen Miller - kept low but didn't make it over the water

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - should not have taken a driver

A Robin Cook - just died on the hill

A Michael Jackson - gradually fading and died

An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result

A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it

A David Cameron - too much spin

A Bin Laden - driven out, never to be found again
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